When the Ghost Is You: Why People with Chronic Illness Disappear (And How We Can Show Up in Our Own Way)

By Antonia at Unremarkable Me

Confession time: I ghost people.I ghost friends, family, chat groups, even the pizza delivery guy once because I couldn’t cope with the doorbell. But before you slap a “bad friend” sticker on my forehead, let me explain: this is not about you—it’s about my body pulling the emergency brake on life, often without warning.

For people living with chronic illness, the act of going dark isn’t about rudeness, laziness, or indifference. It’s about survival. And yet, oh the guilt. The shame spiral. The social hangover when you finally crawl out of the void. It’s a messy, misunderstood cycle. And today, I want to talk about it—openly, honestly, and with enough charm that you might forgive me for ghosting you last month.

Ghosting: It’s Not a You Problem. It’s a Body Problem.

When you live with conditions like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Chiari Malformation, POTS, MCAS (hi, I collect them all like Pokémon), your body becomes your full-time job. On bad days? It’s also the boss, HR, and the office fire drill all at once. Energy becomes a non-renewable resource. And even the smallest social interaction can feel like a Herculean task. Yes, replying to a “how are you?” text can feel like someone asked you to pen the next great novel.

According to Dr. Jennifer L. FitzPatrick, MSW, a chronic illness educator, people with chronic illness often experience "communication fatigue," where even low-stakes interactions become overwhelming due to pain, brain fog, and the emotional labor of explaining themselves yet again.

Ghosting, in this context, is not avoidance—it’s self-preservation.

What’s Really Happening Behind the Silence

Behind every ghosting episode, there’s often:

• Pain so loud it drowns out conversation.

• Overwhelm from trying to function in a world that doesn’t pause for illness.

• Fear of being the ‘draining’ friend.

• Brain fog so thick you forget what day it is, let alone what you were supposed to reply to.

And sometimes? It’s just the pure, exhausted refusal to perform the polite social scripts when your body feels like it’s in meltdown mode. Yet, from the outside, all you see is silence. Absence. Flakiness. And that’s where things get messy.

The Vicious Cycle of Shame-Ghosting

The real kicker? We feel guilty for ghosting. Which makes us hide more. Which makes the guilt worse. Which makes us… well, you get the picture. It’s the social version of quicksand.

Dr. Whitney Goodman, LMFT, a psychotherapist who speaks on chronic illness and relationships, highlights that "people with chronic illness often feel they’re letting others down simply by existing in a body that can’t always show up the way they wish they could." (Source)

So, What Can We Do? (Besides Move to a Cave in the Mountains)

Let’s be realistic here. We’re probably not going to become ultra-reliable social butterflies. But we can put a few things in place to make ghosting feel less like abandonment and more like a soft pause.

1. Pre-ghost yourself

Let people know upfront that sometimes you disappear. Example:"I love you, I value you, and sometimes my body turns me into a ghost. Please know it’s never personal—it’s just me riding out the health storm."

2. Have a ghost-mode message ready

Save a short message in your notes app."Rough patch. Can't chat much. Thinking of you."Minimal effort. Maximum grace.

3. Use tech to do the heavy lifting

Set a WhatsApp status. Use apps that let you schedule check-ins or send automatic replies. Let technology be your social buffer when your body refuses to cooperate.

4. Find the people who get it.

Build a circle of friends who understand your rhythm. They’re out there. I call them “spoon-safe humans.” They’ll still be there when you reappear like a startled meerkat after a health flare.

And to the People We've Ghosted?

Please know we’re still here. We’re just buried under heating pads, symptoms, and the emotional weight of carrying bodies that constantly betray us. We’ll come back when we can .And if you can meet us with grace, patience, and memes instead of guilt trips? You’ll have our undying gratitude (and possibly some terrible chronic illness jokes in return).

Helpful Resources (For Both Sides of the Ghosting Equation)

• The Mighty: Why People with Chronic Illness Disappear

• Spoon Theory Explained

• Invisible Illness: Support from Mind UK

  
  

Final Thought (With Love and Ghost Glitter)

Ghosting isn’t a moral failing. It’s a symptom of living inside a body that demands more than it gives. So if you’re someone like me? Stop shaming yourself for disappearing when you needed to. You’re still worthy of love, friendship, and connection—no matter how long it takes you to text back.

And if you’re someone on the receiving end? Throw us a meme. Send a “thinking of you.” Leave the door open, no pressure attached. Because in the end, ghosting is never about you. It’s about us surviving the best way we know how.

And honestly? Sometimes, that is enough.